Drivetime. 8:15 AM.
"Hold the line for Frank."
I sit with the phone pressed to my ear. Frank is blaring in my ear about the Chicago Bears.
"I mean the Bears need a new coach, a new quarterback...why don't they just replace the whole fricking team..."
"One minute," the producer says in my ear.
"Alright...well enough of this sports hooey...lets talk some literature hah?"
"Thirty seconds..."
I stand up and start pacing with the phone. Click! Frank's voice comes in very loud.
"Yeah...we got us an author next, Elliott Hazelgrove and his book...ah, whats his book, wait a minute, I got it right here...wait a minute...yeah, here is it Rocket Man...with William Elliott Hazelgrove...ok, thanks for being on the show, Bill."
"No problem, Frank," I say walking across my office.
"Now Bill...what is this Rocket Man about anyway, blasting off Rockets or something, ha ha."
"Well...not really Frank, it's really about a man trying to keep his home--"
I turn and pace back across the room.
"I mean is it like the Roosians are coming or something, Bill and you're going to get them with your rocket right?"
"No...no its's really about what we going through Frank," I begin again, thinking of the people in their cars listening to old Ray and I throw it around. "It's a funny story about a man trying to get his part of the American Dream--"
"A Funny Story! Well, that's good hah, Bill? I mean you got to be funny or people won't read your book...am I right?"
I nod, turning in my office, feeling perspiration running down my back.
"It's satire Frank and I think that allows people to laugh at their problems and--"
"Now this Rocket Man, if he aint blasting off rockets then why do you call him the Rocket Man...it not something sexual is it Ha Ha?"
I laugh, sweating profusely.
"No...well he does blast off the rockets for his son's Scout troop actually."
"So he does blast off Rockets at the Roosians!"
"Ah...well, not at the Roosians Frank--"
"I'm just messing with you, now...you got a lot of good reviews here on this book...comparisons to John Irving, Richard Russo and John Updike, not that I read anybody like that, but hey they are some pretty impressive names, you know what I mean?"
I nod in my pajamas.
"Well, that's right Frank...I think the comparisons are due to my comment on life in suburbia..."
"Do you know why they call them the suburbs, Bill? Hah? I did some research and the reason they call it the suburbs is because it is SUB URBAN which basically means it's not up to the standards of the city and if you ask me, it still isn't!"
"Well, that's very interesting Frank, I--"
"Hold the line for Frank."
I sit with the phone pressed to my ear. Frank is blaring in my ear about the Chicago Bears.
"I mean the Bears need a new coach, a new quarterback...why don't they just replace the whole fricking team..."
"One minute," the producer says in my ear.
"Alright...well enough of this sports hooey...lets talk some literature hah?"
"Thirty seconds..."
I stand up and start pacing with the phone. Click! Frank's voice comes in very loud.
"Yeah...we got us an author next, Elliott Hazelgrove and his book...ah, whats his book, wait a minute, I got it right here...wait a minute...yeah, here is it Rocket Man...with William Elliott Hazelgrove...ok, thanks for being on the show, Bill."
"No problem, Frank," I say walking across my office.
"Now Bill...what is this Rocket Man about anyway, blasting off Rockets or something, ha ha."
"Well...not really Frank, it's really about a man trying to keep his home--"
I turn and pace back across the room.
"I mean is it like the Roosians are coming or something, Bill and you're going to get them with your rocket right?"
"No...no its's really about what we going through Frank," I begin again, thinking of the people in their cars listening to old Ray and I throw it around. "It's a funny story about a man trying to get his part of the American Dream--"
"A Funny Story! Well, that's good hah, Bill? I mean you got to be funny or people won't read your book...am I right?"
I nod, turning in my office, feeling perspiration running down my back.
"It's satire Frank and I think that allows people to laugh at their problems and--"
"Now this Rocket Man, if he aint blasting off rockets then why do you call him the Rocket Man...it not something sexual is it Ha Ha?"
I laugh, sweating profusely.
"No...well he does blast off the rockets for his son's Scout troop actually."
"So he does blast off Rockets at the Roosians!"
"Ah...well, not at the Roosians Frank--"
"I'm just messing with you, now...you got a lot of good reviews here on this book...comparisons to John Irving, Richard Russo and John Updike, not that I read anybody like that, but hey they are some pretty impressive names, you know what I mean?"
I nod in my pajamas.
"Well, that's right Frank...I think the comparisons are due to my comment on life in suburbia..."
"Do you know why they call them the suburbs, Bill? Hah? I did some research and the reason they call it the suburbs is because it is SUB URBAN which basically means it's not up to the standards of the city and if you ask me, it still isn't!"
"Well, that's very interesting Frank, I--"
"Now you are the Hemingway writer in residence...and you write in what, this guys attic?"
"That's right, Frank."
"So you're kind of the Hemingway dude!"
I nod slowly rubbing my forehead.
"I guess you could say that."
"That's what you are, the Hemingway dude, ha, ha."
"Sure, why not, I'm the Hemingway dude," I mumble.
"Now let me ask you this, is there a lot of sex in your book, Bill?"
" Well, some Frank..."
"You got to have a lot of sex Bill, that's what sells you know."
"Oh... I know--"
"Well, give us your website so I can tell people to go buy your book, Rocket Boy."
"Oh, you mean, Rocket Man, that's http://www.billhazelgrove.com ."
"I aint even going to attempt to spell that one, but thanks for coming on the show and good luck with Rocket Boy...Elliott Hazelgrove!"
The phone goes dead and I hang up. I hear Frank on my small radio on the desk.
"Now, getting back to those Bears, like I say, lets dump the whole fricking team and start over!"
"Now let me ask you this, is there a lot of sex in your book, Bill?"
" Well, some Frank..."
"You got to have a lot of sex Bill, that's what sells you know."
"Oh... I know--"
"Well, give us your website so I can tell people to go buy your book, Rocket Boy."
"Oh, you mean, Rocket Man, that's http://www.billhazelgrove.com ."
"I aint even going to attempt to spell that one, but thanks for coming on the show and good luck with Rocket Boy...Elliott Hazelgrove!"
The phone goes dead and I hang up. I hear Frank on my small radio on the desk.
"Now, getting back to those Bears, like I say, lets dump the whole fricking team and start over!"
