Friday, March 11, 2011

Suburban Tale of Woe #69

There was a man named Rooney in my neighborhood who had a Hummer and a pool and a big house. He was one of those assholes with a tattoo and always walked around with his shirt off and everyone hated him even before the age of mass consumption ended because he consumed more than even mass consumers. He drove around in his black Hummer and never seemed to work and that pissed everybody off too. His wife was some beauty queen built like a Destroyer and that pissed off everyone especially the men. And he wore these clothes that a fifteen year old would wear. Maybe

Anyway the crash came and a sign popped up in front of his house FOR SALE BY OWNER. Then it fell down and someone put another sign up in black magic marker FOR SALE BY OWNER. That one fell down too but lay in his yard for a month. Then a realtor sign appeared with the picture of a June Cleever woman saying SPECIAL REDUCED PRICE. Then that sign fell and nobody picked that up. Then it snowed and the old sign in magic marker popped up. This went on through the spring.

Then one morning two white trucks appeared and Rooney disappeared. Nobody saw him again. Then the trucks disappeared and his lawn grew all sorts of weeds that started to breathe again when the herbicide wore off. Trash blew around. Someone threw a can of GOOD TIMES beer on his front lawn. Then when the weeds got waist high someone cut them down and some Indians appeared. They were from Pakistan and seemed pretty nice. Nobody knew what happened to Rooney

So then I'm sitting in the parking lot of Starbucks. I'm just sitting there and I see a guy pull up in one of those little trucks shaped like a house. ROONEY REMODELING is on the side. I'm staring at the truck when a guy in a leisure suit or a sweat suit that looks  like a leisure suit gets out with a long white stripe from his shoulder to his foot like a convict. He has gray hair and goes inside looking around like someone might shoot him. It was ROONEY alright. Someone said he was living on the other side of town. In a house. Amazing.

Books by William Hazelgrove