"Welcome to The Factor. You are now in the No Torture Zone. I'm Bill O'Reilly. We have a decorated Captain from the Army today on the show who is going to discuss the issue of supposed torture by the United States"
"Captain....what is your view of torture. I mean what we have is some guys who got water thrown in their face and these left wing namby pambys are calling it torture."
"You are referring to water boarding, Bill. That is torture."
"C'mon Captain....a little water in the face. So the guy gets a little wet. It's like he got dunked at the pool. Isn't that worth some guy being a little uncomfortable to get some actionable intelligence that saves lives?"
"Water boarding is simulated drowning. Torture does not produce actionable intelligence...it creates disinformation."
"But are you saying that a little water in the face is actually torture?"
"Yes. Water boarding is torture. We executed the Japanese in World War II for water boarding our POWS."
"Now wait a minute! I'm getting a little impatient here. Are you saying that even if we get intelligence that saves lives, that you are not for some guy getting a little wet?"
"Torture does not save lives--"
"That's not what I'm asking, Captain! I'm asking you that if we get some information from some guy who gets about as wet as he does in a swimming pool, that you are not for torture...even if it saves American lives?"
"No."
"That's it! Get the bucket."
"What--"
"Hold him down...alright Captain...I'll ask you one last time...are you for torture if it saves innocent American lives?"
"No...what are you--"
"Alright...pour it down his mouth....that's right Captain, drink up."
"Ahhrrrggg...."
" There you go, keep drinking Captain....
"I'm drowning..."
"Oh come on...it's just like getting dunked at the pool you wussie...now...I'll ask you one more time Captain...isn't torture a good thing if it saves American lives?"
"Let me go...you...you're WATERBOARDING ME!"
" That's it...hit him with the bucket again."
"Ahhhhhhrrrrgg..."
"Alright....Captain...now. I ask you. Isn't a little water in the mouth worth saving precious innocent true blue American lives?"
"...gasp...yes...fine...fine...it's worth it...I'm think I'm going to throw up."
"There you see Captain. That wasn't so bad. A little water in the face and you tell me what I want to hear. I rest my case. Well that's all the time we have today for the Factor. Tune in tomorrow when Dick Cheney makes his argument for a monarchy where he's the king. I'm Bill O'Reilly and you are leaving the No Torture Zone."
"You're nuts O'Reilly..."
"C'mon, Captain...so you got a little wet, so what. Don't be such a left wing wimp...you wouldn't' hear Dirty Harry complaining about a little water. What a Pinhead."
Novelist William Hazelgrove writes in Ernest Hemingway's attic. His latest book is Rocket Man--a man struggling to keep his home.
