The Boors at the Party--The Right threatens NPR Funding

In our old neighborhood there was a woman who came to parties and offended everyone. Cathy just couldn't help herself and in our liberal city enclave she managed to stick a size ten right wing shoe in her mouth every time. The women kept inviting Cathy to parties but eventually even mothers in arms could not save her from her continual faux-pas, brilliant denunciations of progressives, crass jokes, idolatry on par with a talk show host who just cant keep stepping over his guests. Eventually even Cathy realized she wasn't having a great time, but this made her more ornery, more obnoxious, to the point where fights would break out. She just couldn't get over the fact that there was a dividing line between her progressive college educated neighbors and her rustbelt background.

Billy O'Reilly wants to take away funding for NPR over the Juan Williams firing. Juan is now happily ensconced in Foxland and appeared on the Huckabee show complaining he cant sleep and is still in shock. I mean I said nothing wrong he lamented to the nodding Huckabee who told him he was a loyal American and that they were all behind him. Juan looked like  man who had drank too much at a party and now wasn't so sure he liked the hosts. Of course he isn't sleeping because he doesn't like his new bedfellows all that much, two million bucks can give you a lot of cushion, but it is sort of lumpy.

The whole right is up in arms about the firing of Juan which really brings us full circle to Cathy. It is not that O'reilly and the boys care that much about Juan or even the Muslims, it is really that they just are frustrated there is a party that they are not invited too. Like Cathy they have gone to the party, but there is a difference between them and their progressive brethren that makes them feel like a kids who didn't get invited to a sleepover. NPR is the biggest sleepover of them all and now they see a chance to take down the hosts.

If there is anything that is more offensive to the right it is that there is a difference that goes beyond issues, that goes to who we are. It is the elitism in liberal elites that they feel keenly. They want to think they can walk the line wherever they choose and those dumb liberals just don't understand the way the world is. But then it occurs to them that maybe they aren't really wanted at the party, maybe they just don't get it. Like Cathy, that makes them more obnoxious, more of a boor, more of pluck thine own eye out it it offends thee devotee. Taking away NPR funding will not get them an invitation to sit down and break bread with smart people. Like Cathy, once again, they will simply not be invited.

William Hazelgrove's latest novel is Rocket Man due out in the fall
http://www.billhazelgrove.com/

Billy O'Reilly's Guilt Complex

Guilt betrays people. It is the unwanted emotion. We cannot dictate our emotions and guilt is like an unwanted guest at the party. The murderer, embezzler, adulterer, thief--all have this little telltale hangover of our Puritan conscience. A true psychopath will not have guilt. A true sociopath feels nothing. But for the rest of us guilt comes along with the baggage of being human.

That is why it is almost comical if not tragic to watch Billy Oreilly trying to exorcise his guilt over the death of George Tiller on national television. He does not look like the old confident Bill. There is a tinge of uncertainty in his wan expression. His eyes are eager, looking for salvation in Glen Beck or Sean Hannity therapy sessions where they assure him that he had nothing to do with George Tiller's death. Bill needs this even as he crows that he has absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. But he does. He feels guilty as hell and the Keith Obermans and Rachel Maddows will never make him feel the cold hand of remorse as much as his own suspicion he might have triggered the death of this man in his own church.


It is the three AM hour that undoes us. It is when the television lights go off and Billy lays down to sleep that the nagging question rolls in with the night. Did he really get this man killed by calling him Tiller the Baby Killer for years? Did his incitement really push the lone nut to do his bidding. He proclaims that Tiller was heinous and deserves what he get. Who stands up for all those dead babies he asks nodding guest after guest who tell him Fox friendly tones that he has absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

But Billy cant get enough absolution. He suspects something and it is nagging him. A man walks the planet no more. Hatred eventually produces a result and Billy spewed hatred for years toward this man in a very powerful medium. Only he knows what his intended design behind all that hate really was. He is not an avenging angel. Only a man. Vengeance will be mine sayeth the Lord. Even Billy Oreilly can't claim to be the Lord. He found this out too late and George Tiller is dead. Billy will now have to find his own salvation.
http://www.billhazelgrove.com/

The Factor--The Torture Stops Here

"Welcome to The Factor. You are now in the No Torture Zone. I'm Bill O'Reilly. We have a decorated Captain from the Army today on the show who is going to discuss the issue of supposed torture by the United States"

"Captain....what is your view of torture. I mean what we have is some guys who got water thrown in their face and these left wing namby pambys are calling it torture."

"You are referring to water boarding, Bill. That is torture."

"C'mon Captain....a little water in the face. So the guy gets a little wet. It's like he got dunked at the pool. Isn't that worth some guy being a little uncomfortable to get some actionable intelligence that saves lives?"

"Water boarding is simulated drowning. Torture does not produce actionable intelligence...it creates disinformation."

"But are you saying that a little water in the face is actually torture?"

"Yes. Water boarding is torture. We executed the Japanese in World War II for water boarding our POWS."

"Now wait a minute! I'm getting a little impatient here. Are you saying that even if we get intelligence that saves lives, that you are not for some guy getting a little wet?"

"Torture does not save lives--"

"That's not what I'm asking, Captain! I'm asking you that if we get some information from some guy who gets about as wet as he does in a swimming pool, that you are not for torture...even if it saves American lives?"

"No."

"That's it! Get the bucket."

"What--"

"Hold him down...alright Captain...I'll ask you one last time...are you for torture if it saves innocent American lives?"

"No...what are you--"

"Alright...pour it down his mouth....that's right Captain, drink up."

"Ahhrrrggg...."

" There you go, keep drinking Captain....

"I'm drowning..."

"Oh come on...it's just like getting dunked at the pool you wussie...now...I'll ask you one more time Captain...isn't torture a good thing if it saves American lives?"

"Let me go...you...you're WATERBOARDING ME!"

" That's it...hit him with the bucket again."

"Ahhhhhhrrrrgg..."

"Alright....Captain...now. I ask you. Isn't a little water in the mouth worth saving precious innocent true blue American lives?"

"...gasp...yes...fine...fine...it's worth it...I'm think I'm going to throw up."

"There you see Captain. That wasn't so bad. A little water in the face and you tell me what I want to hear. I rest my case. Well that's all the time we have today for the Factor. Tune in tomorrow when Dick Cheney makes his argument for a monarchy where he's the king. I'm Bill O'Reilly and you are leaving the No Torture Zone."

"You're nuts O'Reilly..."

"C'mon, Captain...so you got a little wet, so what. Don't be such a left wing wimp...you wouldn't' hear Dirty Harry complaining about a little water. What a Pinhead."

http://www.billhazelgrove.com

Novelist William Hazelgrove writes in Ernest Hemingway's attic. His latest book is Rocket Man--a man struggling to keep his home.