Romney from the viewpoint of Seamus the dog

Yeah. He put me up on the roof and I rode all the way to Canada! Seamus the Irish Setter here who boldly went where no dog had gone before and lived to tell about it! The whole thing he said about the crate being sealed is a bunch of bull. So there is Mitt and his wife and five kids in the station wagon while I'm up in the slip stream while Mitt balls along at seventy sometimes eighty miles an hour. Go stick your head out your car window and go seventy miles an hour and you'll know what it's like. You get bugs in your mouth and your ears and you cant hear a thing because the wind is blasting through those air holes like bullets and whistling like a Stuka dive bomber.

The worst thing is my stomach did not dig the whole riding in a wind tunnel thing. The  temperature dropped down to like forty at night and so I opened my mouth a few times to try and stop the air because the wind chill was like zero. Well all the air blew right through me and the diarrhea blasted out the back. So now I'm in my crate going seventy miles an hour and I'm freezing and there is crap everywhere. Not fun folks. Not fun. So you know what old Mitt does when we stop? He hoses me down at the gas station! Nice guy, right? Then he sticks me back in the crate!

So now I turn into a block of ice. I mean the water froze and  my teeth are chattering while Mitt is singing away with his family  in the wagon all nice and warm. What a dope. This is not a guy who gets it. I mean I am the family dog right? Mans best friend and this guy doesn't give a thought that it may not be the greatest thing in the world to stick a dog up on top of your station wagon for eight hours while you blast down the highway between seimis and go under bridges that look like they are going to take your head off. He just doesn't get it, because he's inside, sipping his Starbucks, Latte, thinking about being President someday.

So anyway. I survived to tell the tale. But here is the thing. I can't vote. Pity right? But you can. Let me ask you a question, do you want a guy who would strap you to the roof of a station wagon and let you shit everywhere and then wash you down with a hose and stick you back up there to freeze your you know whats off.I wouldn't. The guy has no sense of anybody but himself. How would Mitt like it if someone put him on the roof and hosed him down. You know what Mr. Empathy said to me when we finally got to Canda? How'd you like your ride boy? He's asking that to a dog with his hair plastered back like a jet engine just blasted him in the face! I got to tell you...sometimes I really wish I could talk.

Woof.

http://www.billhazelgrove.com/

Delusional Newt

Hmm...remember the kid who held his breath until he got his way? Remember he would turn red and his cheeks would blow up like balloons with his arms crossed, head wagging, eyes puffing, turning red then blue, nearly passing out....well, that's Newt. Doesn't matter if he loses every primary he is going to stay in. Delusional is a word that come to mind followed by farcical, fanciful, conspiratorial, sad, pathetic, pomposity, bellicose, moronic, nearsighted, bellicose, megalomaniac, stoned, dim-witted...Ok Ok. You get the point. But the point is that Newt will never quit. Never.

He can't. If he quits then he disappears into Newt Land. Ghostwritten books, multiple wives, snarky lobbying, flim-flam organizations, influence pedaling, space colonies. And he wants to be around to throw those final grenades at Santroum and Mitt. Why? Because if he cant win then nobody is going to win. This guy has an ego that just keeps giving like gas or toxic waste or raidoatcive sludge. Newt is not good for anybody except Newt. He certainly isn't good for the Republican party.

So now as Santorum and Romney march along, Newt is devising a grand strategy for an end run on Super Tuesday. Hmmm. Lets see. If the earth tilts to the right and Romney falls into the Mormon sea and Santorum's nose bends a little more to the right, then I can claim victory by default and if that doesn't work I can storm the convention, give a speech without a teleprompter, tell everyone I am the greatest thinker since Jefferson Washington and Lincoln, scratch that, greater than Lincoln Jefferson and Washington and that Brad Pitt will have his hands full playing me in a movie (his pick for actors to play him) and that I will come down and personally kick the liberal elite media squarely in the gonads.

Then I will fly off in a spaceship where I will run the country from a colony on the moon called NEWTLAND. Yeah, that will work.

http://www.billhazelgrove.com/

The Herminators New Nine Nine Nine Plan

Now there has been a lot of talk about my Nine Nine Nine plan and so I have updated to reflect the new realities. Under my new Nine Nine Nine plan every male in the United States will get Nine women they can make sexual advances toward at Association meetings after drinking like hell. Then every male in the United States will get Nine payoffs complete with non disclosure agreements for those Nine Women. Then every male in the United States will get Nine more women to make more sexual advances toward.

Now the devil is the details so let let me explain further. Lets say you tell a woman she is the same height as my wife and that her head would be perfect for a beer while she is on her knees. Under the current law you might be accused of sexual harassment. But under my Nine Nine Nine plan, you can pay her off with up to a years salary and then have her sign a non disclosure agreement. Well, what does this do for you? It allows you to move on to your next Nine women without any problems. Simple right.

Or lets say you decide to run for office and people are saying that you got drunk and did some lewd things with employees who were just out of college. Well you and I know that is probably true. But under my Nine Nine Nine plan that same young hot babe will have to keep her mouth shut because she is one of your Nine that signed a non disclosure agreement. You see this allows men who run Pizza Corporations or any other corporation to blow off steam and not have any repercussions. Under my Nine Nine Nine plan you get your fill so to speak and go back to the well anytime you want!

Now I know the media is going to say my plan doesn't work. But I have been using the Nine Nine Nine plan for years. In fact, when I ran for the Senate nobody knew I messed around with those young hottie toddies with those ripe bodies. You see it is only now that you are hearing something about those girls!

Now my Nine Nine Nine plan isn't perfect. Nothing is. But I think you will find if we all work together, then we can all share in these nubile young comely bodies. You see under  my Nine Nine Nine Plan we really can have our cake and eat it too! Did I say cake? Make that pizza. We can have our pizza and eat those young bodies too! Did I say bodies? I meant cake. We can have our pizza and eat that babe too! Aw shuckey wukey. I done it again.

http://www.billhazelgrove.com/

One free large pizza, a litre of Coke and Herman Cain

The self made angry black man is really pretty interesting. He is the other side of the Obama coin. He didn't come up through the Ivy league he came up through he sausage and onions and Pepperoni school of hard knocks. And he is angry. An angry black man, go figure. Lot different from the dude in the White House who recently got angry but for the most part was pretty mellow. Herman breathes angry because he had to scrabble his way through America and make it on his own.

His nine nine nine plan shows what a man who is practical can come up with. You can just see him figuring up special offers on pizza. One large with everything and free wings. Why not? The best thing about Herman besides wanting to mix in gospel to Hail to the Chief and calling out Jon Stewart on The Daily Show for Amos and Andy rifts, is that he thinks he can do it. Now who would have planted that idea?

Maybe Obama is the Jackie Robinson of American politics. Maybe he will be a one termer who paves the way for others. But could there be a Herman without an Obama? I don't think so. Obama broke the color barrier and now Herman can get up there and whip pizza inspired economic plans and not be worried being black will take all the fight out of his pie slinging based empire. Four years ago it would be unthinkable.

And Herman will not get the nomination. America still needs a black man who sounds white and Herman does not sound like that. And he is a little bit of a loaded gun and shoots off at the mouth a bit too much for Republican sensibilities. But you have to admire his moxie and can do spirit. So a large pizza, a litre of Coke, and a Presidential nomination for Herman Cain. Free delivery on Saturdays.

http://www.billhazelgrove.com/