Republican Debate From the Viewpoint of the dog and the coyote

The Dog
You know I really think Mitt could have done better if he just didn't strap me to the roof of his car and drive to Canada. Hasn't he heard about the SPCA? I'm a dog! I'm not that dead grandmother in National Lampoons Vacation although Mitt does seem a lot like Chevy Chase now that I think about it. But it's no wonder he looked kind of wimpy next to the Coyote killer from Texas. A man who would strap a dog to the roof of the family car can't be expected to be the great defender of Social Security. He sure wimped out of that one. He didn't call it a ponzi scheme but he didnt' defend it either.

The problem with a guy like Mitt is that he saw nothing wrong with putting me on the roof and letting me end up with bugs in my teeth and my ears permanently blown back. When we got to Canada he's like, how'd you like the ride Rover? Imagine what a guy like that will do to the American people? He just doesn't get it. He thinks it's perfectly fine for a dog to inhale a seventy mile an hour wind for six hours! So I looked like someone had just blown back my hair with a blast furnace. To Mitt everything was just fine. You know why? Because he rode in the nice warm car below while I froze my tail off! Is that the kind of guy you want for your President? Woof.

The Coyote:

That aint nothing.  Let me ask you this: what kind of a guy goes jogging with a .380 Ruger with hollow point bullets? Think about that one. Let's see sweats, socks, tennis shoes, headband, IPOD, Ruger. Come on. Somebody with some serious issues carries a gun when they for their workout. Can anybody say PARANOID. PSYCHO. WACJOB. I can because I'm the one that he shot at! First of all let me say for the record that wasn't his puppy I was sniffing after. And secondly what business was it of his. In fact I was just walking across the field to see what all the commotion was when BLAM BLAM BLAM. I look up and see this WAC JOB in a powder blue workout suit with those over sized headphones like out of that movie Starsky and Hutch, unloading like' John Wayne.

This is a residential neighborhood and the guy is shooting up the place like it's the OK Corral. Do you really want a guy to be your President who packs when he goes for his morning jog? Or starts shooting at some innocent Coyote because I was crossing a field and there happens to be a puppy on the other side? Imagine what this guy would do to people who need a little extra help though hard times. BLAM BLAM BLAM. That'll take care of them. I mean and then the guy reloads and fires another full clip at me! Yeesh. Come on. Is that normal? Do you want some psycho in a powder blue workout suit with headphones listening to Yanni blasting away at your dog? Because I could have been your dog, we look about the same.

Anyway. I don't. And he wont get my vote or any other Coyotes. And as far as that puppy is concerned. It turned out he was stuffed animal someone left in their garbage. Mr. Secessionist  didn't tell you that one did he? Mr. Powder Puff protecting Snoopy from the big bad Wile E Coyote. Give me a break. I'm telling you and you heard it here first, you dont' want this guy for your President. Because this guy is straight out nuts!

http://www.billhazelgrove.com/
Rocket Man

Maybe the MTV Awards Need A Host

Once upon a time there was spaceman who jumped around on the moon to MTV rock. There followed rock videos. Amazing. Then MTV went corporate and became the self appointed holder of all that is edgy and young and happening and jaw dropping and just about anything that defined who was it. Fast forward to the MTV Music Video Awards and you pretty  much want to crawl under your couch. The fatuous mega-self absorbed culture has resembled a bunch of spoiled brats at a party with too much cake and ice cream for years. But they just cant see to wait to get even more in your face with each passing year.  And this year they didn't even have a host because a host is old school man.

So it was do it yourself night.

Lady GaGa came out as Fonzie or maybe the Karate Kid. She really looked like him. Rocking first tune where she fell down and and then sneered and talked about touching herself listening to Britney Speers. Yawn. Then she almost kissed Britney. Double yawn. Then she told everyone it was Ok to be gay straight, lesbian, homosexual, drag, transgender, whatever. Because you are born that way. Triple yawn. Then she went back to sneering. Kanye came on with Jay Z and you really had to wonder if they were going to catch on fire from the pyrotechnics and pull a Michael Jackson with flaming hair. No one could understand a word of their song that was bleeped out every other word.

Then we cut to the strangest moment of the night. The filler entertainment for the ten minutes of comercials that pushed every MTV product under the sun.  Some lady sitting in a big white chair like a Queen gone bad with a cast on her leg surrounded by white monitors. She looked like Anis Nin and sang through the night like an updated Tonight Show Band. It was just weird. Then we come back to Justin Beiber accepting his award  looking even more like a new version of David Cassidy of the Partridge family with his glasses and short hair. Opie comes to mind. Or Donnie Osmond. But whatever publicist got hold of him should be fired, because he literally looked like he was twelve years old accepting his first Spelling Bee award.

Then came all the rappers with their pants even lower looking more ghetto more gansta. Jack Black came out with the Beastie Boys and tired to do a monologue but it just fell flat. As did the Beastie Boys. Then the worst moment was the Amy Winehouse tribute with the London fop Russell Brand detangling himself from Katy Perry long enough to get Amy Winehouse turning over in her grave. He underscored the problem for the MTV moment in technicolor. The minute they veered from trying to be outlandish--which usually came across as a bunch of frat guys mooning everyone at the movies-- they fell flat. The pathos and bathos screamed out as Mr. London tried to conjure up Amy for the self conscious audience.

The only moment where Amy seemed to come alive was singing with Tony Bennett and they cut that tape so badly we just had  a glimpse. Then back to the London goofball who then went back to Katy Perry who could not keep her mouth shut when she received her award with Kanye and tried to out hip Kanye. Good luck with that. Then the whole embarrassing night just ended. Thank God.

You know what they really needed? One of those guys who kind of lightens up the show and keeps it on track. You know, a guy or gal who could keep them from taking themselves so seriously.  Ah...I know. Starts with an H and ends with a T. A host! They needed a host. Maybe the spaceman who jumped around on the moon in the early years. I'll bet he's not doing anything. They could even play some videos. Now that would be cutting edge.

http://www.billhazelgrove.com/

Rocket Man: Catcher in the Rye for the Gen X

Mr. Perry Comes to Washington

Those Texans. They have their guns and their horses and their hats and all that land of cactus and sagebrush and land. Think Giant with Rock Hudson and now Obama is James Dean trying to get a toehold on the big ranch of jobs. Mr. Perry just  comes a blazing with his six guns shouting JOBS JOBS JOBS and the town folk are impressed. There haven't been jobs in these parts for a long long time and now comes this big Texan saying now you listen and you listen tight! Were going to get the jobs and were going to get them now.

The President is nervous on his pony. Mr. Perry has a big American stud and a large hat and he has the jobs or so he says. And now that is half the battle isn't it? The assumptive close. Say it and it will come true. This evangelical secessionist swaggering governor could just upset the whole applecart with his Texan ways. There is a reason people hate Texans. They brag. They swagger. They assume they are better than everyone else and more of a man for that matter.

And I'm not sure the President is really up for Mr. Perry. I don't know if Mr. Perry knows any high faluting words like bipartisanship or compromise. God is on his side anyway and he don't have to compromise if he don't want too. He does have a Reagan swagger. The question is how big is his boot and will he stick it all the way in his mouth? Only time will tell, but President Obama better saddle up, because there is a new sheriff in town.

http://www.billhazelgrove.com/
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